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Another year, another season of Beer Festivals. We decided to update our list after the announcement that Columbus's Hullabaloo Festival is dead. I was able to attend the last Hullabaloo, It was one of the better beer festivals in town, sad to see it go because of whiny cunts who don't represent the consumer market as a whole.
This is the first post in our rejuvenated Behind the Tap. We'll post a mission status (it'll be less beer reviews and more in depth with the brewing industry). There's the mission status). We start with a perennial favorite of ours. We turned this into a bingo game at the Six One Pour event last May (we passed out bingo squares with different 'people' to brewers and volunteers. All seemed to have fun with it. If you want to do a Bingo style, there are plenty of free generators, help yourself). So without any further ado, while listening to David Bowie, we bring you our updated Beer Fest Drinking Game. To paraphrase Zeppelin, The style is new, but the face is the same.
Beer Festival Season is upon us.
After attending a few beer festivals (be it the annual major megafest in your state or the limited release whale party or the little local suburban tinyfest), you start to notice different types of people that are always there. Print this list and take it with you to the next big event. If you collect them all, consider yourself a seasoned veteran of the beer festival circuit (and drink an entire pint). Just don't hate us in the morning.
1) Goofy-ass Hat Guy
Now, while it's fashionable to wear a hat, most festival-goers stick to ball caps or military style. But not this guy. He's proudly rocking his cowboy/outback/fedora/insert hat as if the beer festival was Coachella. Your friend, who looks like a lawyer, has a personal grudge against this guy, mocking his hat endlessly to where he wouldn't stop to help him with a broken down vehicle. Drink one if you spot This Guy. Drink two if he's rocking assless chaps to go along with the hat.
2) The Bored Girl/Boyfriend
S/he has no interest in his beer geek lifestyle. S/he can't stand the smell or taste of beer. S/he's here because his/her friends bailed on him/her (Thanks, Becky/Brody). You'll be able to point out this person in an instant- S/he looks bored and is constantly on their favorite social media site instead of taking in the sights, sounds, and tastes that the partner is loving every minute of. Drink one for each Bored Boy/Girlfriend you spot. Give them a 5 ounce sample if they fake an interest in what the partner-in-crime is saying and drink one with them.
3) The Mustachioed Menace
Also known as the Bearded Douche. One look at this guy and you are guessing he's the head brewer at the newest local nanobrewery in town, even though he has never put malt and hops together before. He's proud of his facial fur. Spends most of the evening at the mustache wax booth, with the occasional foray out to refresh his 5-ounce sample glass. He spends more time shaping and sculpting his 'stache than a teen spends getting ready for prom. And just like that teen, he's pretty sure his pristine facial pubes are getting getting him laid tonight. Well done on sharing info about which brand of mustache wax used to EVERY booth. Make him use two festival tickets to buy you a drink if you spot this guy in all his mustache wax glory.
4) The Dick
He's the person who bitches about everything at the festival. The speakers aren't right, the food isn't good enough, the beer isn't exclusive enough. In an exceptionally douchey moment, he might threaten physical harm to the festival organizers who are doing this for the love of beer instead of money. This is the kind of fuck weasel that ruins great things. This ass hat doesn't respect anyone else and will try his best to ruin your experience. If you can get away with it, catch him with an elbow, making it look accidental, avoid festival security, then drink until you can't hear his fucking idiotic voice droning on. DO NOT BE THIS GUY!!!!
5) The Enthusiastic Volunteer
They love having the chance to connect with the beer scene with an event like this. They usually know a brewer or two and do this for fun. They can hype up the beer as much as the brewmaster could. While sampling many beers at the event, they will hype up the booth where they're assigned. They like to have fun, you'll have fun with them. Drink with them. (Side note: certain states, including Ohio, restrict brewery workers from serving their own beer at festivals, so volunteers are critical to libation happiness. Don't EVER be #4 to them).
6) The "Type" Drinker
You know them. "I only drink IPAs, he only drinks dark beers." They both give you condescending looks when you describe a hoppy strong ale that drinks like an IPA despite being a dark color, appealing to both. There is no pleasing these bastards, by the way. The IPA you're pouring/drinking will never measure up to King Julius (which they've never had) and the dark beer isn't as good as Guinness. Drink two if you get them to try something out of their comfort zone.
7) The Know-It-All
There's no point in describing a beer to them, they already know everything about it. They haven't done research, they just know. They'll sometimes correct you on the ingredients and flavors they give off, no matter how wrong they are. You: "This is continuously hopped with Citra which gives it..." Them (interrupting): "No, actually. This is Hallertau-Mittelfruh, which is grown exclusively in the summer in the mountainous region in New Los Angeles, New Zealand. I can taste it."... Sigh... Drink until you forget the conversation you had with this infuriating idiot.
8) The "Brewpie"
A groupie of brewers. She came to the festival alone, but her hopes are not leaving alone. There are around 20-60 breweries at the event, each one having brewers and reps working. Odds look good for her. She has done the research; she knows who the brewmaster is at each brewery, and she knows whether or not he is single. Most likely not wearing panties, she skips over any brewery owned or operated by a woman or corporation. She'll put on the charm, she'll bat her eyelashes, she'll give a little wiggle. She knows what she's doing, it's not her first time at the rodeo (unlike "Cowboy Hat Guy"). If you are work at a brewery, wrap it twice and run far and fast. If not, buy her a drink and tell her you work at a brewery. Or at least help her into her Uber car.
9) The Talker
They liked your beer. They were told by their friend that they need to try the beer. They were hesitant at first, as it's not normally a style they like, but their friend hasn't steered them wrong yet, and by golly, their friend was right again. They tell your their life story while holding up a line of thirsty people behind them. Drink until they stop talking.
10) The Beer Lover
This person appreciates all beer. They aren't a crude, arrogant type, not at all. They appreciate what the brewer took time to accomplish. These are people who give honest feedback, whether it's "this isn't for me" or "this is the best beer I've had tonight." They are the heart and soul of why brewers do this. You'd get too drunk seeing these people, so give them a cheers and thank them. Take a sip instead of a whole drink.
11) The Ill-Prepared Business Guy
He drinks macro light beer, but read about this event in the paper. He doesn't know a wit from a weizenbock. This guy is completely out of his element. You try and guide him toward beers he might enjoy, but he's lost, like a baby at a strip club. Try and expand his horizons, have him loosen his tie and enjoy life. Drink your favorite at the festival with him. Remind him that life's too short to drink shitty beer.
12) The Good Times Guy
Usually mid-to-late 40's, he's shit faced and doesn't care who he bumps into. He'll try and dance with them. He'll be first in the karaoke lineup, just after he has had one too many and he's going to butcher "Sweet Home Alabama" or that Three Non-Blondes song... You know the 'hey hey hey hey' song. Fuck it, it's a festival, right? He'll try and get selfies with any attractive lady. Hell, by closing time, they don't even have to be attractive. His Hawaiian shirt lets you know he IS the life of the party. Often spotted with the Wayne to his Garth. Party on, bruh. Run as far away as possible as quickly as you can and give him a high-five across the venue. Then drink three because you made it out alive. Then duck and run, and drink one more for good measure.
13) Intellectual Rednecks
They're dressed like Larry The Cable Guy impersonators; overweight with cut-off flannels exposing their hairy arms, bearded, camo ball caps. They look like they don't know anything other than Natty or Busch. DO NOT LET THIS STEREOTYPE DETER YOU! These are some of the most knowledgeable and well-spoken people at the festival. Much more knowledgeable than those condescending Hipsters, who give sideways glances to these guys as if to say "What are you doing at OUR festival?" I like these guys. Drink one with these guys. Take an extra drink if they actually work at a brewery. Dump what's in your glass and drink what they're drinking.
14) The Frat Boy Type
They roam in hordes, bro. A Pride of Cock Jockeys (probably their frat house name). They aren't at the festival to appreciate good beer, no, they're there to pound brews with their bros and hit on chicks. Doesn't matter what beer, doesn't matter what chick. You'll know them from the gaggle of douchebags who are all dressed the same. Fred Durst ain't got shit on these pig fuckers. Drink one when you see them. Take an extra drink if they hit on you, take two if you are a guy.
15) The Hype Seeker
This individual only wants to seek out the hyped up breweries. 3-4 spots of the hottest, newest breweries. They get into conversation in line about what they've read about these breweries and make judgements on them before even trying them. They spend the entire time in line on beer social media reading reviews, already knowing they'll rate it at a perfect score. Looks down upon startups without the hype and dare won't touch the larger regional craft breweries. Get this guy a Bud Light. Stat.
16) The Coordinators
They made this happen. They tend to have lives outside the beer festival circuit, yet the spend tiresome months on end arranging all the details of these events. Sleepless nights and careful planning to assure you have a hell of a night. They are walking around, making sure all the breweries have ample ice and water, making sure patrons aren't too intoxicated, making sure all things are going according to plan. They may have the same shirt the volunteers do, and although volunteers are valuable, these are the hidden rare foil card in your Pokemon booster pack. These are the heroes that are forgotten. All the patrons of the event look to the breweries as their godsends when really it's the "man behind the curtain"' An endless thank you to those groups. Remind yourselves as you walk in "THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN WITHOUT THESE PEOPLE!" #4. #4. #4. If you happen to run into any event coordinator, talk to them. Thank them. Get them a beer.
Repeat, Don't be #4. Don't be a dick, have fun. We're all there to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Don't ruin it for everyone else because you're a dick. Hopsus be with you.
Food pairing: Pretzels on a necklace
Music pairing: "Don't Stop Believing" as belted out by Good Times Guy
Cheese pairing: Nacho cheese sold at the food court
