People at Beer Festivals Drinking Game

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Beer Festival Season is upon us.

After attending a few beer festivals (be it the annual major megafest in your state or the limited release whale party or the little local suburban tinyfest), you start to notice different types of people that are always there. Print this list and take it with you to the next big event. If you collect them all, consider yourself a seasoned veteran of the beer festival circuit (and drink an entire pint). Just don't hate us in the morning.


1) Cowboy Hat Guy

Now, while it's fashionable to wear a hat, most festival-goers stick to ball caps or military style. But not this guy. He's proudly rocking his cowboy hat as if the beer festival was a Nashville country bar. Drink one if you spot This Guy. Drink two if he's rocking assless chaps to go along with the hat.

2) The Bored Girlfriend

She has no interest in his beer geek lifestyle. She can't stand the smell or taste of beer. She's here because her friends bailed on her (Thanks, Becky). You'll be able to point her out in an instant- She looks bored and is constantly on her favorite social media site instead of taking in the sights, sounds, and tastes that her boyfriend is loving every minute of. Drink one for each Bored Girlfriend you spot. Give her a 5 ounce sample if she fakes an interest in what the boyfriend is saying and drink one with her.

3) The Mustachioed Menace

He's proud of his facial fur. He spends more time shaping and sculpting his 'stache than a teen spends getting ready for prom. And just like the teen, he's pretty sure his pristine facial pubes are getting getting him laid tonight. Well done on sharing info about which brand of mustache wax used to EVERY booth. Make him use a festival ticket to buy you a drink if you spot this guy in all his mustache wax glory.

4) The Craft Beer/Festival Noob

While I do applaud your effort on wanting to sample each and every beer from every vendor/brewery, don't throw a temper tantrum like a 3-year-old when "the one you were wanting to try all day" ran out an hour ago. If you really wanted to try it, you would have made this your first stop. If you have a 3-year-old, drink 3, one for each year. You've earned it. If you spot This Guy, grab one of his festival tickets and leave him empty-handed.

5) The "Type" Drinker

You know them. "I only drink IPAs, he only drinks dark beers." They both give you condescending looks when you describe a hoppy strong ale that drinks like an IPA despite being a dark color, appealing to both. There is no pleasing these bastards, by the way. The IPA you're pouring/drinking will never measure up to Pliny (which they've never had) and the dark beer isn't as good as Guinness. Drink two if you get them to try something out of their comfort zone.

6) The Know-It-All

There's no point in describing a beer to them, they already know everything about it. They haven't done research, they just know. They'll sometimes correct you on the ingredients and flavors they give off, no matter how wrong they are. You: "This is continuously hopped with Citra which gives it..." Them (interrupting): "No, actually. This is Hallertau-Mittelfruh, which is grown exclusively in the summer in the mountainous region in New Los Angeles, New Zealand. I can taste it."... Sigh...  Drink until you forget the conversation you had with this infuriating idiot.

 7) The "Brewpie"

A groupie of brewers. She came to the festival alone, but her hopes are not leaving alone. There are around 20-60 breweries at the event, each one having brewers and reps working.  Odds look good for her. She has done the research; she knows who the brewmaster is at each brewery, and she knows whether or not he is single. Most likely not wearing panties, she skips over any brewery owned or operated by a woman or corporation. She'll put on the charm, she'll bat her eyelashes, she'll give a little wiggle. She knows what she's doing, it's not her first time at the rodeo (unlike "Cowboy Hat Guy"). If you are available and work at a brewery, take her home. If not, buy her a drink and tell her you work at a brewery.

8) The Talker

They liked your beer. They were told by their friend that they need to try the beer. They were hesitant at first, as it's not normally a style they like, but their friend hasn't steered them wrong yet, and by golly, their friend was right again. They tell your their life story while holding up a line of thirsty people behind them. Drink three if they hate the beer you steered them to. Match their drinks just to shut them the hell up.

9) The Unfortunate Bastard

You can watch him in line. He's smiling and enjoying himself. Then BAM, his face changes to a morose, dismal look from seeing his ex with her new guy walk past him. He had a list of beers he wanted to try, scratch that. Now he just wants to get shitty drunk. I feel for him. If you're working a festival, give this guy an extra pour (and take an extra drink for yourself). If you aren't working a festival and happen across this poor bastard, drink three apiece. He's earned it.

10) The Good Times Guy

Usually mid-to-late 40's, he's shit faced and doesn't care who he bumps into. He'll try and dance with them. He'll be first in the karaoke lineup, just after he has had one too many and he's going to butcher "Sweet Home Alabama". Fuck it, it's a festival, right? He'll try and get selfies with any attractive lady. Hell, by closing time, they don't even have to be attractive. His Hawaiian shirt lets you know he IS the life of the party. Often spotted with the Wayne to his Garth. Party on, bruh. Run as far away as possible as quickly as you can and give him a high-five across the venue. Then drink three because you made it out alive. Then duck and run, and drink one more for good measure.

11) Intellectual Rednecks

They're dressed like Larry The Cable Guy impersonators; overweight with cut-off flannels exposing their hairy arms, bearded, camo ball caps. They look like they don't know anything other than Natty or Busch. DO NOT LET THIS STEREOTYPE DETER YOU! These are some of the most knowledgeable and well-spoken people at the festival. Much more knowledgeable than those condescending Hipsters, who give sideways glances to these guys as if to say "What are you doing at OUR festival?" I like these guys. Drink one with these guys. Take an extra drink if they actually work at a brewery. Chances are you won't need to do this because they will have offered you something amazing, but drink one with these guys anyway, their choice.

12) The Frat Boy Type

They roam in hordes, bro. They aren't at the festival to appreciate good beer, no, they're there to pound brews with their bros and hit on chicks. Doesn't matter what beer, doesn't matter what chick. You'll know them from the gaggle of douchebags who are all dressed the same. Drink one when you see them. Take an extra drink if they hit on you, take two if you are a guy.

13) The Beer Elitist

Paid for the VIP experience, refuses to drink anything offered because they aren't 'whales' or 100% Brett. They glide past many booths, scathingly looking down their noses, as they haven't heard of the up-and-coming breweries. Any brewery that isn't on RateBeer or Beer Advocate's top 10 or that didn't have a glowing write-up with a much-anticipated opening isn't good enough for them. Drink two if you get them to drink a "commoner" beer. Drink four if you get them to stop at the quick-refill stations for one.

14) The Hipster

You know the person. Sporting skinny jeans, a flannel, Chuck Taylors, black horn-rimmed glasses, and (if a guy) a plethora of facial hair, ever-so-carefully groomed. May overlap with the Mustachioed Menace. Technically, they may cross-breed with most other types on the list, but this one. This guy had the 2008 barleywine from X brewery in 2007. Probably listening to some obscure band on Spotify and not listening to you, spewing wisdom of the various brews available. Drawn to the PBR booth like a mosquito to a bug zapper between limited release cask beers. Choose target friend to give a drink for each hipster spotted. Take it back if they are a brewer.

Food pairing: Pretzels on a necklace
Music pairing: "Sweet Home Alabama," as belted out by Good Times Guy
Cheese pairing: Nacho cheese on the bland-ass nachos sold at the food court
 

Fat Head's Hop Stalker

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"Deep in the Yakima Valley, our hop-obsessed Head Brewmaster went commando in seach of his prized nuggets. His mission: Capture the freshest hop flowers he could sneak up on. Then he wet-hopped this bad-ass brew for a deliciously dank IPA. Out of the wild emerged The Hop Stalker."

"Pour it slowly, Unfiltered beer captured inside, go commando, drink it fresh"

All the text on the 16 ounce can of this 7% ABV, 80 IBU, wet hopped IPA seems so inviting to go Gonzo. Go commando, I take that as a challenge to go balls to the wall. Challenge accepted, Fat Head's.

This barely fit into a pint glass (makes sense as 16oz is a pint) with a nice golden amber color with small amount of white head. Very little head, which is fine with me, as it leaves more space for the wet-hopped liquid. You can see tiny bubbles constantly rising through this crystal clear beverage. The aroma on this is dank, like, well, Colorado knows. There is also a nice citrus aroma that washes over, with hints of slight spice to lend for a very hop heavy aroma. It's the season of wet/fresh hop, and I personally don't feel like going into that debate once again (Google it or check our prior reviews on such beers as Sierra Nevada's Estate or Founder's Harvest), we did that too much in previous reviews.

The initial sip on this is an initial blast of unadulterated bliss for hop heads like myself. This is so hop heavy I'm in my own version of Heaven, holding hands and skipping hops across beer vats with Hopsus. Sweet Jesus, if you aren't a religious person, and you're a hop head, this will make you believe in some sort of higher power. That higher power is Hopsus, btw. So the initial sip is just face melting, tongue rocking hops. There is citrus and pine and and and and and. There are so many different flavors coming from this, the taste bud to recognition process is overwhelmed. Dank at first, but instantly kicking into grapefruit, pine, mango, pineapple at times.. Flavor of the hops changing in less than a second between the color wheel, so-to-speak. The malt flavors are not noticed in this, to where this would be classified as "unbalanced" for those who do not have the same love, nay, lust for the Humulus. Dank, tropical, grapefruit, pine, citrus zest, fuck.... I can't type as fast as the flavors are changing. Even after this has been swallowed and copious amounts of hop oils are still around your tongue, gums and cheeks; the flavors are still shifting, running the gauntlet. The drinkability is decent, drinks like a typical IPA, but the palate wrecking oils makes this more of a sipping beer. The mouthfeel on this makes me have a semi-chub. Fuck it, I'm not even going to lie. I'm half-mast drinking this. The mouth puckering oils that are running rampant around are something spectacular. Hopsus, you have let your glorious light shine, and your light has landed on my tongue. With this drink, I accept you into my world, with this swallow, I realize you're all powerful and all knowing. May Hopsus be with you, and also with you.

All religious experience from drinking this beer aside, it's fucking good. Do your taste buds a favor and find some. If Fat Head's isn't distributed in your area, I've heard rumors that people do beer trades, and there may be Facebook groups for trades, for all you social media fiends.

5/5 Caps .... cause FUCK YEAH!
-Nathan-

I am not even sure how to follow that. Well, other than to drink it. And to hope that they introduce themselves in Portland in the next few days with this beer, because we like Portland people, and they should have this beer. And no, I haven't tasted it yet. Nathan wants to stare at me creepily when I take my first sip, so I may be procrastinating a bit.

This is a wonderful, clear golden color with some moderate white foam sitting atop it. The aroma is wonderful: heavy with tropical fruits, such as passionfruit, mango, guava, and a hint of a spice note. The taste? Oh yes, I just called Nathan over to witness the expression on my face. He ended up crawl-scuttling across the floor because he had banged the hell out of his foot on the coffee table. Eh, tall guy/Bigfoot problems. Apparently, I did not disappoint. He wasn't lying about the Color Wheel Effect: it's fast and hard. Prepare yourselves. I'll try to take you through each spoke of that wheel, but as my beertner could not, I give no guarantees. Passionfruit, guava, mango, grapefruit, caramel, pineapple, fermented pineapple (ever had 2-day-old cut-fresh pineapple? Only it's not bad here). I don't get so much dank out of the initial sip; it's more of the mega-coaster at Cedar Point as you are chugging up that first hill, waiting for the bottom to drop out of your stomach. And as soon as I say that and take another sip, there it is, right out of the gate. It's 4:20 somewhere, right?!? Holy hell, this is fantastic. This is palate-wrecked in a good way. This has a medium body: not too thin, not too malty, like Goldilocks' search, just right. Moderate carbonation, and Nathan was right about the hop oils lingering on your tongue long after you swallowed (in a side conversation). Yes, that is what she said, in fact.

Also, a fair warning: Nathan mentioned that people do beer trades. We are definitely cough cough not among those people. And he isn't coming off the last beer we have (as one most certainly is not earmarked for a trade).

5/5 caps
-Jennie

Food Pairing: fucking whatever you want cause your palate is destroyed!
Cheese Pairing: see above
Music Pairing: Bob Marley, "Three Little Birds" because with this beer, everything is, indeed, going to be all right.